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Friday, December 29, 2017

The Nature of Ultimate Evil


Cadet: Sir, why is Boba Fett so highly regarded by Star Wars fans?
Pocket: Because George Lucas created him as the personification of ultimate evil.
Cadet: Ultimate evil? How can that be? He doesn't even polish his armor?
Pocket: That's what happens when you're evil. You lose all interest in housecleaning.

Friday, December 22, 2017

The Hunger That Drives Our Dreams


Denim: Sir, why do sugar plum cakes dance in our dreams?
Pocket: Because we're looking forward so much to the Christmas custard, Cadet.

Friday, December 15, 2017

Not Quite Threatening Enough


Shadow: I can't believe this is our last moment in England.
K-9: Not quite. They don't begin boarding for an hour yet.
Shadow: Still, we've had such a wonderful time!
K-9: Yes, but everything ends eventually.
Shadow: I suppose. Still, I want to savor our last moments here.
K-9: Not me. I want to eat up, and get to the gate.
Shadow: What's the hurry?
K-9: When they call for pre-boarding, I want to be first in line.
Shadow: You're just angry they made us ride with the cargo last time.
K-9: Well, I did think you could have threatened to Exterminate them more convincingly.
Shadow: Perhaps the tea can bolster my threatening presence.

Friday, December 8, 2017

When Something Is Lacking


Shadow: Finally! British Fish and Chips!
K-9: Now if only they had ketchup.
Shadow: Still, that unique flavor of British fish you can't get in America.
K-9: I still think it would be better with ketchup.
Shadow: You can buy a packet of ketchup at the counter.
K-9: It's not real ketchup. It tastes different somehow.
Shadow: So you want an authentic British meal with an American condiment?
K-9: Either that, or with a pickled onion.

Friday, December 1, 2017

Tea Time & Cathedrals


Shadow: What is it about tea time and Cathedrals? 
K-9: They do seem to go together, don't they?
Shadow: I suppose, after a morning of philosophical discussion...
K-9: Or Bible teachings...
Shadow: Or learning about the architecture of the buildings...
K-9: The history of how worship styles changed through the centuries...
Shadow: Studying the famous people associated with them...
K-9: Admiring the artistry of the stain glass windows, paintings, wood carvings, tombs, plaques...
Shadow: Phew. I'm exhausted just thinking about all that.
K-9: Time for tea?
Shadow: Absolutely.

Friday, November 24, 2017

Of Miracles & Sushi


Shadow: Phew: This cake was tough to cut.
K-9: Yet definitely worth it. Now we have two slices to eat instead of one.
Shadow: Maybe that explains the feeding of the five thousand. Jesus split the fish and loaves into lots of little pieces, and presented them in a way that everyone was satisfied.
K-9: So you're saying that Jesus was a Sushi Chef?
Shadow: Possibly. Was the fish cooked?

Friday, November 17, 2017

A Reminder of Home


Shadow: I'm confused. 
K-9: I know.
Shadow: First I'm presented with the Barbecue Chicken Sandwich.
K-9: Then a Soda that claims lineage with San Diego.
Shadow: Why must I be inundated with American influences in England?
K-9: Well, there is the Belgian Bun. That gives the meal an International flavor.
Shadow: I guess Greggs must cater to Brits who don't want to eat British.
K-9: Or wayward travelers hungering for home.
Shadow: I'm glad we're above such base, Human emotions.
K-9: Agreed, Diabolical Killing Machine.
Shadow: Really? Enough already with the name-calling!
K-9: Sorry. It must be the Soda. The bubbles make me tipsy.

Friday, November 10, 2017

Talking Courgettes


Shadow: So a Courgette is the British term for a Zucchini?
K-9: Correct, Alien Killing Machine.
Shadow: But if a Zucchini grows a meter long, the Brits call it a Marrow?
K-9: Correct, Evil Computerized Villain.
Shadow: So depending on its size, the Brits could call this Courgette Cake a Marrow Cake?
K-9: Correct, World-Destroying Inhuman Monster.
Shadow: Stop calling me rotten names, or I Will Squash You! Squash You!! SQUASH YOU!!!
K-9: Squash doesn't have the same catchy ring as Exterminate, does it?
Shadow: Agreed. It definitely lacks an edge.

Friday, November 3, 2017

The Most Important Meal of the Day


K-9: Eggs?
Shadow: Tick.
K-9:: Sausage?
Shadow: Right.
K-9:: Bacon?
Shadow: Got it.
K-9:: Black Pudding?
Shadow: Absolutely.
K-9:: That's what Master needs. A hearty, healthy breakfast to get him going.
Shadow: Uh...yes.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Moderation Is The Key



Denim: Can't we just set out all the goodies now?
Autumn: No, keep 'em hungry. A little now, and...
Pocket: They'll soon be back for more.
Denim: That's a scary thought.
Autumn: That's what I'm here for.

Friday, October 27, 2017

Relaxing With Buffy the Vampire Slayer


K-9: You mean the witches burned hundreds of years ago in Salem, Massachusetts, return from the afterlife to possess the bodies of Buffy's friends?
Shadow: Don't forget about the horde of zombies that claw their way out of the ground to chase her into a truck stop diner.
K-9: That's what I always look for at this time of year. A little light reading.

Friday, October 20, 2017

Rabbit Logic


K-9: That does not compute. Why should I be too slow to understand your hare-brained schemes?

Friday, October 13, 2017

Lost in Snape Maltings


Shadow: K-9? Hello? Where are you? Honestly, I can't imagine why that dog wanted to come to Snape Maltings in the first place.


K-9: It's so beautiful out here. What a shame the Doctor and Romana left me in the TARDIS when they confronted the Power of Kroll. Say, I wonder where that Dalek went off to? He's always wandering off and getting lost.

Friday, October 6, 2017

A Belgian Bounty


Shadow: Brussels Sprouts and a Belgian Bun?
K-9: Master has an iron constitution.
Shadow: We could ease his digestive workload. I'm sure he wouldn't miss some of this icing.
K-9: You know, sometimes you hold water.
Shadow: Yeah, my yarn sure gets soggy when I go for a relaxing soak in a nice hot pot of tea.

Friday, September 29, 2017

Looking For Loki


K-9: I still don't understand why we couldn't have gotten the Doctor Who card game.
Shadow: I object to being categorized as a villain. 
K-9: It's illogical to be ashamed of your heritage.
Shadow: I'm not ashamed of who I am. I just reject easy labels. Now, do you want to see the next card or not?
K-9: Sure. I hope it's Thor, or better yet, Jane Foster. She reminds me of Sarah Jane Smith.
Shadow: I'm hoping it's Loki. He's a righteous dude.

Friday, September 22, 2017

A Fiery Brew


K-9: You drag me all the way here, and then all you offer me is light beer?
Shadow: I think you'll like it. It's a fiery brew.
K-9: I want to lubricate my components, not incinerate my circuits.
Shadow: Okay, I'll drink it.
K-9: Now you're just being illogical.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Hither And Yon


Shadow: If we had a boat, we could set sail for hither and yon.
K-9: I'm not sure about Hither, but this Yawn place sounds boring.

Friday, September 8, 2017

Robots: Do No Harm!


Shadow: What do you mean, you can't eat it?
K-9: I cannot harm a member of my kind.
Shadow: But it's not a real robot. It's only made of chocolate!
K-9: So if you saw a Dalek made of chocolate, you would consume it?
Shadow: Of course!
K-9: You are truly a soulless creature.
Shadow: You are too kind.

Friday, August 25, 2017

A Question of Illumination


K-9: How many Daleks does it take to change a Lighthouse bulb?
Shadow: It depends. Is the Doctor nearby?

Friday, August 18, 2017

Flavor With a You


Mmm. Handcooked Ham and English Mustard is so flavorful with a You.

Friday, August 11, 2017

A Rocky Road


Shadow: Look! It's a Rocky Road!
K-9: Relax. Everything will be fine, as long as we're together.
Shadow: What a kind thing to say, K-9!
K-9: Shh. I'm talking to the Rocky Road.

Friday, August 4, 2017

An Invitation


Would you care to join me?
No? 
Are you sure?
This could take awhile.

Friday, July 28, 2017

Seaside Humor


Warning: Object in view may be closer than it a-piers. 
Get it? A-piers?
Now laugh or I will exterminate you.

Friday, July 21, 2017

Loading Up on the Extras


Shadow: Care for a scone with your jam?
K-9: Don't start in on me: you're hogging the butter!

Friday, July 14, 2017

Holiday Punters


Will Exterminate For A Punt!
Will Exterminate For A Punt!!
Will Exterminate If I Don't Get A Punt!!!

Friday, July 7, 2017

Whirling Desserts


Shadow: Master? I don't understand. I thought we were going to eat English food.
K-9: Speak for yourself. I could really go for a whirl right now.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Using Your Power For Good


Spider-Dalek: Pepperoni Pizza, Extra Cheese, and prepaid tickets. I think we're ready to go see Spider-Man Homecoming.
Iron Dalek: What's to drink?
Spider-Dalek: I've packed a teapot and a pouch of Yorkshire Tea. I figure the counter staff can provide the hot water.
Iron Dalek: I doubt it. Cinema workers frown on you bringing in your own food.
Spider-Dalek: That may be true, but I find people are much more cooperative when you threaten them with extermination.
Iron Dalek: Good thinking. I knew I gave you that more powerful suit for a reason.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Beware Cuteness


Denim: So who's Spider-Man's new little friend, sir?
Pocket: That's the Vulture. And he's not Spider-Man's friend.
Denim: Why not? He's as cute as Spider-Man.
Pocket: Cuteness is no gauge of one's essential goodness, Cadet.
Denim: That's true enough, sir. I mean, look at us, we're cute and--
Pocket: What do you mean, true enough, Cadet? If you dare to question my word usage again, I'll have you demoted! Demoted!! DEMOTED!!!
Denim: Sir, have I ever told you how cute you are when you're angry?

Monday, July 3, 2017

With Great Power Comes Great Ambiguity


Spider-Dalek: Wow, thanks for the new, more powerful suit.
Iron Dalek: Just remember: no tackling evil super-villains for now.
Spider-Dalek: But I thought us Daleks were evil super-villains.
Iron Dalek: Yeah, we are. But we're the good evil super-villains.
Spider-Dalek You know, sometimes this evolving morality grows difficult to parse.
Iron Dalek: Just listen to me. I won't steer you wrong.
Spider-Dalek: Phew, that's a relief. I mean, if you can't trust your leaders to tell you what's right, who can you trust?

Friday, June 30, 2017

What's In Your Cargo Compartment?


Shadow: What do you mean, we have to ride with the cargo?
K-9: It's your own fault. If you wouldn't go around exterminating everyone...
Shadow: I don't exterminate everyone.
K-9: So, you're a selective exterminator?
Shadow: Exactly.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Mourning For Michael Bond


Denim: A bright light has been extinguished.
Pocket: A voice that brought joy to millions has been silenced.
Denim: You cry, Paddington. We won't exterminate you for your weakness.
Pocket: Mourning isn't a sign of weakness, but a proof of strength.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Top Banana


Pocket: One thing I love about travel is staying in a nice hotel.
Denim: Especially one that serves free breakfast.
Pocket: It's so nice to be treated like a top banana.
Denim: Oh sir.
Pocket: What?
Denim: That's bad. That's just...really bad.
Pocket: Well, don't worry about it. The dining room's still open. We can always hurry back down and get a replacement fruit.

Friday, June 16, 2017

One Intense World


Pocket: What can you see, Cadet?
Denim: I can't see, sir. The sun's so bright it's blinding my ocular sensors.
Pocket: That's the problem with planning an outing. You get everything all prepared, and then the sun shines!

Friday, June 9, 2017

Brain Food


Denim: Ooh, not that stuff again.
Pocket, It's brain food, Cadet.
Denim: I suppose it does add a little color to one's day.
Pocket: Just like us.

Friday, June 2, 2017

The Old Purple Matter


Denim: I'm afraid to ask what this is, sir.
Pocket: It's a Human brain, of course.
Denim: That's disgusting, sir.
Pocket: Only if a person don't use it, Cadet.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Custard Again?


Denim: Custard again, sir?
Pocket: Affirmative, Cadet. Rich, creamy, delicious custard.
Denim: But it's summer. Or at least it's warm enough for ice cream.
Pocket: You always want ice cream. Even in winter.
Denim: Affirmative. Ice cream rules.

Friday, May 19, 2017

In Response to Sonnet 18


Pocket: No rough winds had better shake these darling buds on this fine summer's day of May, or they'll get exterminated Exterminated EXTERMINATED!!!

Friday, May 12, 2017

An Ode To Robbert Herrick


Pocket: "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,"
Denim: "Old time is still a-flying;
Pocket: "And this same flower that smiles today
Denim: "Tomorrow will be exterminated Exterminated EXTERMINATED!!!"

Friday, May 5, 2017

Going Geometric


Pocket: I like it, Cadet. But what's it supposed to represent?
Denim: Art doesn't have to represent anything to affect you, sir. It just is.